My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
