don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He? As in you personified your dick?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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