I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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