there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
