Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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