turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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