Plan B is the new Plan A
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can I color on your dick again?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
