She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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