Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Even my vagina gasped.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
