atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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