i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
