we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
