Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
