based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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