it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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