Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
