One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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