you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
