listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He did a backflip because drugs
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