Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
