Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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