My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
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I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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