i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
