My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
