This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So much rum. So many feels.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
