So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
