dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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