There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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