well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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