the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
