Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
