i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
