I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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