Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
