I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
