Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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