i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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