i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
