so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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