Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
