last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
