I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
