I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
