you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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