Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
