and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think pants incapable of making pants work
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
