You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
