margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
