he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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