I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize