I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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