Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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