I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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