Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
40s are totally the cure
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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