I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
