Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i came on her dog
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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