I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
