I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
